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Comment: Sorry about the capital letters. I wrote this in response to some crazy mad capslock kid who was upset about there being "too many players online." This was one of those threads that everyone correctly assumed was stupid, so nobody got to read my nonsense. Except for Kupopo. Thanks, Kupopo. :D

Ore-Ida Sucks

DUDE! I TOTALLY AGREE! IT'S LIKE A COUPLE DAYS AGO I WAS WATCHING RIKKI LAKE, AND I LOOK OUTSIDE MY WINDOW AND THAT MITCHELL KID IS RAKIN' SOME GUY'S LAWN. I'M LIKE, "HAHA LOSER RAKIN' THE LAWN," 'CAUSE I'M ALL WATCHIN' TV AND LOSERBOY'S OUTSIDE RAKIN' LEAVES, GET IT? SO ANYWAYS, THE COMMERICALS COME ON AND I DON'T WANT NO TAMPAX SO I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN AND SOME OLD MAN COMES OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH A BOX AND LOOKS AT HIS LOSER-RAKED LAWN AND SMILES AT THE KID. HE GIVES THE KID SOMETHING FROM THE BOX AND IT LOOKS LIKE AN ICE CREAM SANDWICH. SO I'M LIKE OUT THERE IN 20 SECONDS AND I'M LIKE, "HEY, CAN I GET AN ICE CREAM SANDWICH OR WHAT?" AND THE OLD MAN DOESN'T SAY NOTHIN' SO I BUST OUT WITH THE "PLZ" AND HE SAYS, "WELL, I GAVE MITCHELL HERE AN ICE CREAM FOR RAKING MY LEAVES. MY GARDEN NEEDS WEEDING, IF YOU'D LIKE TO EARN YOURSELF AN ICE CREAM, IT SHOULDN'T TAKE LONG." I'M LIKE, "WTF?! YOU GAVE HIM AN ICE CREAM SANDWICH AND YOU HAVE A WHOLE FREAKIN' BOX SO WHERE IS MINE?" AND HE SAYS, "SORRY, BUT HE WORKED AND YOU DIDN'T." THE MITCHELL LOSER KID IS LOOKING AT ME KIND OF SHEEPISHLY CAUSE HE KNOWS I CAN TOTALLY KICK HIS ASS AND TAKE HIS SANDWICH BUT THE OLD MAN IS THERE SO I'M JUST LIKE, "SUCK IT, OLD MAN," AND I BUST ON OUT OF THERE. NOW I STILL GOT THIS HANKERING FOR AN ICE CREAM SANDWICH AND I CAN'T HANG FOR THAT PIMP ICE CREAM TRUCK WITH THE CHROME BECAUSE IT'S ALMOST WINTER AND HE JUST DON'T COME ROUND EVEN THOUGH HE SELLS GUM AND FIRECRACKERS AND OTHER CRAP THAT YOU CAN STILL EAT WHEN IT'S COLD. BUT I DON'T EAT NO FIRECRACKERS, GET IT? <SNORT> ANYWAYS SO I FIND MY DAD'S GIRLFRIEND'S PURSE WHILE SHE'S IN THE CAN WHICH IS PRETTY EASY CAUSE SHE'S ALWAYS IN THE CAN AND IF SHE HAS LIKE ONE PAIR OF PANYHOSE THAT DON'T HAVE A HUGE LADDER IN THEM I'LL DRINK THE LEFTOVER THANKSGIVING GRAVY. ALL OF IT. WELL I TAKE SOME MONEY AND HOP ON MY BIKE AND BOOK DOWN TO SUPER STOP AND SHOP EVEN THOUGH MY MOM DON'T LIKE ME RIDING DOWN THERE CAUSE I HAVE TO CROSS LIKE 28 MAJOR ROADS BUT IF SHE CARED SO MUCH THEN WHO IS THIS JUAN GUY AND WHY DOES SHE CALL HIM "WAN"?!? I'M AT STOP AND SHOP AND THERE ARE TWO FREAKIN' FREEZER AISLES AND WHERE THE HELL WOULD YOU KEEP ICE CREAM SANDWICHES- IN THE FREEZER WITH THE DOOR OR IN THE ICEBOX WITH NO TOP WHERE YOU JUST LEAN IN AND GET IT? SO YOU WOULD THINK THAT I COULD JUST WALK DOWN THE FREEZER AISLE AND LOOK THROUGH THE GLASS DOORS AND FIND WHAT I WANT, BUT NOOO. ALL OF THEM ARE FOGGED UP WITH CONDESCENSION EXCEPT FOR THE TATERTOTS ONE CAUSE THAT'S SO FULL THE BAGS OF ORE-IDA ARE PILED UP AGAINST THE INSIDE OF THE DOOR AND WHEN SOME GRANDMA COMES TO SNAG SOME ORE-IDA SHE BETTER WATCH HER WALKER CAUSE THAT ROCK-HARD POTATOEY GOODNESS IS GONNA COME TUMBLIN' DOWN MELLENCAMP-STYLE. SO I'M GETTING PISSED AND I'M ABOUT TO GO ASK THE DUDE WITH THE MILK WHERE THE ICE CREAM SANDWICHES ARE WHEN I SEE SOME LADY LEAVE HER CART WITH HER KID IN IT AND LIKE TWO OTHER KIDS MILLING AROUND AND WHY CAN'T THESE FOLKS LEARN TO LIMIT THEMSELVES TO ONE BRAT PER OUTING? BUT BINGO! THERE IS A BOX OF GHETTO ICE CREAM SANDWICHES RIGHT BEHIND THE KID AND THE LADY IS LIKE FACING AWAY LOOKING AT BABY FOOD OR SOMETHING AND ACCOURSE I GRAB THEM AND HEAD OFF TO THE CHECK OUT. SO THERE ARE LIKE 4 CHECK OUTS WORKING AND THE EXPRESS LANE IS KIND OF EMPTY WITH THIS POCKY DUDE JUST STARING AT ME SO I'M ON MY WAY WHEN I SEE THAT THE CASHIER AT THE NEXT CHECK OUT IS PRETTY HOT, SO I DISS WHITEBREAD JR. AND LINE UP FOR THE CHICK. ACCOURSE SHE'S GOT A LINE BUT I DON'T CARE AND WHITEBREAD IS ALL LIKE, "I CAN HELP YOU OVER HERE, KID." AND I'M LIKE, "NO, I GOT TOO MANY ITEMS." AND HE SAYS, "YOU SEEM TO HAVE ONE." AND I'M LIKE, "WILL YOU READ WHAT THIS SAYS ALREADY?" AND I HOLD UP THE BOX AND HE READS, "INGREDIENTS: GUAR GUM, SUGAR..." AND I'M LIKE "NO, NOT THE FREAKIN' IMMIGRANT LIST! IT SAYS, 'CONTAINS 8 ICE CREAM SANDWICHES.'" AND I'M ALL THINKING WRAP YOUR SUPERMARKET-SAVVY MIND AROUND THAT ONE, PETER PAN. AND HE'S LIKE, "WELL THIS LANE IS 12 ITEMS OR LESS, BUT SUIT YOURSELF." AND I'M LIKE, "WELL DID YOU COUNT THE BOX, JERKFACE?" AND I START READING SOME COSMO. SO FINALLY I GET TO THE CHICK AND SHE SAYS, "THIS IS ALL YOU'RE BUYING?" AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH, BABY. UNLESS YOU WANTED ANYTHING." AND SHE STARTS RINGING IT UP BUT I'M PRETTY SURE I HEARD A "WHATEVER" UNDER HER BREATH AND SO I'M LIKE "WHAT A HO" AND SHE SAYS, "YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE GENERIC BRAND, AND THE SPECIAL BRAND IS ON SALE SO IT'S CHEAPER, AND BETTER. YOU WANT TO GO GRAB A DIFFERENT BOX?" AND I'M LIKE "NO DAMMIT IF YOU'RE SO SMART WHY YOU WORKIN' AT STOP AND SHOP?" SHE SHUTUP AFTER THAT AND I PAID MY MONEY AND I LOOK AT THE CLOCK ON THE WALL THAT HAS BREAD AT 6 O'CLOCK AND A PILE OF VEGETABLES AT 3 AND I'M LIKE, "DAMN, SPRINGER IS ALMOST ON." AND I GRAB THE PLASTIC BAG AT THE END OF THE LANE AND RUN ON OUTTA THERE. I PASS THE OLD MAN'S HOUSE ON THE WAY HOME AND ACCOURSE I GOT BOTH MIDDLE FINGERS PRIMED IN HIS DIRECTION CAUSE I CAN RIDE WITH NO HANDS FOR SHORT DISTANCES. I WHEEL INTO MY DRIVEWAY AND RUSH INSIDE. THE TV'S ALREADY ON AND YES, I'M JUST IN TIME FOR THE SPRINGMASTER. WOOT WOOT WOOT. I'M TOTALLY PSYCHED FOR THIS EPISODE CAUSE IT'S LIKE "MOMS WITH GUYS NAMED CARLOS" OR SOMETHING, AND I FIGURE THAT'S PRETTY MUCH JUAN IN MY BOOK. I'M GETTING INTO IT, BUT I TAKE THE TIME TO GLANCE OUT THE WINDOW AND GLOAT OVER THE OLD MAN'S LAWN. I GOT ME SOME ICE CREAM, AND I DIDN'T RAKE CRAP. SO I REACH INTO THE BAG AND THE CONTENTS DON'T FEEL TO BOXY. IN FACT, IT FEELS LIKE SOME FLAKY KNEES IN FISHNET TIGHTS! I PULL IT OUT AND THERE'S ONE OF THEM MESH BAGS FILLED WITH YELLOW ONIONS! SUCK! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU PUT A BAG OF ONIONS IN ANOTHER BAG ANYWAYS? THE WORLD IS GOING TO CRAP AND SOMEONE MAKES IT WORSE BY UNNECESSARY BAGGIN'. I'M ON MY BIKE IN LIKE 15 SECONDS AND I'M IN A RUSH CAUSE I HAVE NO SPARE BLANK VIDEOCASSETTES AND THERE'S NO FREAKIN' WAY I'M RECORDING OVER "POKEMON: THE JOHTO JOURNEYS" CAUSE THAT SHOW IS TIGHT. SO I MAKE THE SUPERMARKET IN RECORD TIME, AND I SPOT THE CHICK AND I'M LIKE, "YO! I GOT FREAKIN' ONIONS WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM SANDWICHES!" AT FIRST SHE LOOKED PUZZLED AND THEN I CAN TELL SHE'S TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO GIGGLE BUT SHE LOOKS AROUND AND HANDS ME A BAG WITH A BOX IN IT. I TOTALLY GRAB THE BOX THROUGH THE BAG AND IT TOTALLY COLLAPSES. I ALMOST DROP IT WITH A "GODDAMN" AND THE CHICK IS LIKE, "OH. THEY MUST BE MELTED. YOU CAN RUN OVER TO THE FREEZER AISLE AND GET A REPLACEMENT BOX." NOW, AIN'T NO WAY I'M GIVING THIS CHICK SATISFACTION BY ASKIN WHERE THE GODDAMN ICE CREAM FREEZER IS. BUT I HAVE AN EXCELLENT PLAN. I'M GONNA RUN TO THE FREEZER AISLE, AND BURY MY BOX OF SANDWICHES UNDER SOME FROZEN PEAS OR SOMETHIN' FOR A FEW MINUTES, AND THEN GO CATCH THE END OF SPRINGER. I RUN ROUND THE CORNER AND INTO THE AISLE, AND THERE IS THIS WALKER-GRANNY HOBBLING TOWARDS A PARTICULAR FREEZER WITH A LOOK OF GRIM DETERMINATION ON HER FACE. NOW I KNOW THAT GRANNIES HAVE THIS LIKE SIXTH SENSE FOR WHERE THE COLDEST ITEMS ARE, I THINK THEIR KNEES TWITCH OFR SOMETHING WHEN THEY GET NEAR 'EM. SO I JUMP ON IN FRONT OF HER, AND I'M ALL LIKE, "HEY, TOO SLOW, GRANNY!" BUT WITH A WINK AND A SMILE CAUSE I DON'T DISS NO GRANNIES IT JUST AIN'T PROPER AND I YANK THE DOOR OPEN AND SHHHHHHHHI.... I'M COVERED IN FREAKIN' 700 POUND BAGS OF TATERTOT BRICKS. I WAS WEARIN' MY STYLIN' OPEN-TOED KAYAK SHOES (I HAVE NEVER EVEN SEEN A KAYAK BUT THE SHOES ARE POPULAR) AND MAN, LIKE EIGHT OF THOSE FREAKIN SACKS FALL RIGHT ON MY FEET. IT'S LIKE STUBBING YOUR BIG TOE ON ONE OF THOSE KITCHEN TABLE CHAIRS TIMES 100. ACCOURSE I TOTALLY YELLED SOMETHING OBSCENE BUT I WON'T REPEAT IT HEAR CAUSE THE GRANNY TURNED PINK AND THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH. AT THIS POINT I'M TOTALLY LIKE, "SCREW THIS!" AND KICK A FEW BAGS OF TATER TOTS (DUMB, OUCH) AND GRAB MY MELTY BOX AND LEAVE. SPRINGER IS LIKE SO ALMOST OVER SO I'M TAKING MORE RISKS ON MY BIKE THAN I NORMALLY WOULD. LUCKILY, I MAKE IT PAST ALL THE MAJOR ROADS WITHOUT A SCRATCH AND I'VE GOT MY EYE ON THE PRIZE, MY HOME AT THE END OF THE STREET, WHEN I FEEL A DRIP ON MY LEG. I LOOK DOWN AND MELTED ICE CREAM IS COMING OUT OF THE BAG THROUGH THOSE TINY LITTLE HOLES THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO CUT DOWN ON INFANTS ASSFIXATING THEMSELVES AND I'M ALL LIKE, "DAMMMMIT TO FREAKIN' HEL..." WHAM!!! AND I'M FLYING THROUGH THE AIR AND HAVE JUST ENOUGH TIME TO PUT MY HANDS OUT BEFORE I HIT THE STREET WITH A SLAP. SOME GUY COMES RUNNING OVER AND IS LIKE, "ARE YOU OKAY, KID? ARE YOU OKAY?" AND I'M LIKE "WHA?" AND HE SAYS HE WAS BACKING OUT OF HIS DRIVEWAY AND HE THOUGHT I SAW HIM BUT I WHALED INTO THE SIDE OF HIS CAR AND FLEW OVER THE TOP. I LOOK BACK AND CATCH A GLIMPSE OF MY BIKE UNDER THE CAR BUT IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A BIKE ANYMORE AND UP AHEAD IN THE NEXT ZIP CODE IS MY BAG OF MELTED ICE CREAM IN THE STREET AND THE GUY SAYS, "HEY, WOULD AN ICE CREAM SANDWICH MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?" JUST AS I REALIZE IT'S THAT GODDAMN &#^&%*#@^&(*&^^'N OLD MAN!! SO I'M WITH YOU MAN, THIS TOO MANY PLAYERS THING IS THE LAST STRAW. I'M READY TO BUST SOME CAPS. FIRST I'M GONNA SUE THAT OLD MAN AND GET ME A PREMIUM ACCOUNT. ORE-IDA SUCKS, KHWAJ

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